The shadow that lingers

There is a shadow that clings to some whether you see it or not, sometimes it appears in an echo, an expression on one's face or more plainly in words that we say. This shadow is the mistakes we carry with us, for good or bad. Too often the montage of mistakes flies at me at a speed too rapid to combat, then I feel my shoulders slump, feel a greater sense of defeat, and struggle with each subsequent step I'm about to take. 

Can I confess something? I'm scared to forgive myself and say goodbye to the shadow, afraid that if I do I'm doomed to repeat my errors, or lose any humility they may have taught me. It's like a perverse rendition of Dorian Grey, expect it's more like my portrait looks like Quasimodo with a hump on my back packed with all the mistakes I've ever made and getting bigger each day. It's not debilitating, in a way it's comforting. It's a comfort to look at that hump, as big as it is, and recognize for a moment what I'm constantly working not to be. 

I'm sure there's a better way, but as always fear prevents me from taking that path, and I don't mean that mild fear of performing, or moving to a different country, I mean that fear that you'll lose who and what you are. That's a fear that stops a person cold. No, that's a fear that stops me cold. It's taken me 40 years to be proud of who and what I am, what I've endured, who I love, who I help, and even who I loathe, to lose something that's taken so long to acquire terrifies me. 

I don't know if I'll ever find the courage to shed this hump, this shadow and reminder of all that has formed me, but until I do (if ever) I'll look back on it to remind me of my journey and to not forget the hard-driven path.