Does one have to be Icarus to be hubristic? Cannot one simply have pride or is that then hubris? What does it mean to be proud? Are you forever relegated to the roles of Mr. Darcy or Icarus? Cannot pride be a good thing? I'm proud of who I am, that's not hubris. I take pride in what I've gone through to become what I am, that's not hubris, but when I hurt because I'm doing something that is not what I've worked to become, is that hubris? Is it my pride that's causing the pain?
I'm in love with a married man, who's not in an open relationship, and who's wife most likely suspects my existence, but doesn't actually know (we so often believe the truth we choose). This makes me the other woman, or the mistress (note the little M). I have been the other woman many times out of choice, because I did not seek a relationship, nor love, so I didn't care if they stayed with their wives, which statistically speaking, only 1% of married men leave their wives for their mistress, so I've got that going for me [sarcasm font]. He never lied to me about his situation, and I honestly didn't expect to fall in love, but I did, and here I am.
I am not other woman material when it comes to a relationship. I'm demanding, and I expect attention, affection and admiration at a whim, I'm the kind of woman that should consume you, your thoughts, your very breath. Being the other woman doesn't lend itself to that kind of consumption. Is that hubris? Is it pride, or is there no distinguishable difference?
I am at a crossroads; do I swallow my pride for love and continue in the hopes that he is the 1%, or do I sever my ties for the safe bet? Pride comes before the fall, but that expression doesn't apply, I'm not blindly moving forward because of pride, I'm looking with eyes wide open. I can't express the hate that I would feel towards myself, towards him should I knowingly choose to stay and he falls into the 99% category. I'm rarely vindictive, but I would be in this scenario. I mean, making this choice is a huge gamble, and I'm not a gambler, I like logic and reason, I like to know where my foot is stepping next, and with this, I'm at The Grand Canyon's edge blindfolded with him behind me, trusting that he won't push. ... Trust. This all boils down to trust. Do I trust him to do what he says he will do? I've found the magic question.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The Love Bite Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships
Relationships are hard, add D/s and it can complicate it further. Nancy & I talk about our personal experiences, trial, tribulations and successes.
The Love Bite – 02/10/2013 – Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships
The Love Bite – 02/10/2013 – Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Love Bite Podcast Intimate Talk
On this show we discuss our darkest fears, desires and some recent relationship issues that resulted in punishment and a reset for Nancy and me.
The Love Bite – 02/03/2013 – Intimate Talk
The Love Bite – 02/03/2013 – Intimate Talk
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sometimes I get it all wrong
It makes me laugh when people say they're scared of me. The concept truly is hilarious, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate, caring, empathetic, attentive and above all, reasonable. Every one of these things robs me of the ability to be a "true Dom." And I'm about two seconds away from saying fuck it all. Either I should just be a douchy dom, they seem to get all kinds of respect, or just hang up my Dom hat. I am just a girl after all, I'm not deserving of it anyway. Aren't I just a submissive who hasn't found the right Dom anyway? (as all women are) [demi-rant and MASSIVE sarcasm font]
Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself.
For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.
I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*
Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?
So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.
Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself.
For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.
I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*
Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?
So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Connection, chemistry, emotion
This conversation happened on Twitter the other day, which got me thinking about connection, chemistry and emotion. We all have felt them (I hope) and they're required for an emotionally intimate relationship to take place, but what happens when it's one-sided, or when it's faked, maliciously or not? Or, in the scenario presented by this gentleman, that both parties desire it, but it's not there?
I've tried willing myself to love someone the way they do me, I've even lied to myself and my partner with the premise "fake it 'til you make it," all to disastrous results. And then when I do fall in love it's with someone 3,000 miles away, so yeah, things don't always work out how we wish.
The greater question is, how do we deal with this situation when it arises? The easy answer is be honest, but if we're really being honest, sometimes that's difficult to do if that means hurting someone else. As cold-hearted as many believe me to be, I am not, and it is extremely difficult for me to knowingly hurt someone. Let me clarify, it USED to be difficult for me, but now I know that the small pain at the beginning is a kindness to them, as opposed to lying to them, leading them on and then destroying their hearts. In a previous blog I had written a post on the song "Nothing" by The Script, not because I was writing from the perspective of the singer, but from the woman who said nothing in return to his reclamation of his affections and love for her. Sometimes nothing is the best gift you can give someone, so they can move on with their lives, away from something that doesn't have the chemistry for both parties.I find that when I focus on what's the overall long-term good, I can manage to do what might be impossible otherwise.
If you happen to be the person who has the feelings but they're not returned, you have options, either you can pine away in an unhealthy manner with a wish and a hope that something will change (not recommended), you can sever all ties, or you can choose to be their friend if you can handle it. Not easy, I get that, but life is not known for being easy street.
Then there's the situation my sweet Nancy and I are in, the one for which she's gotten so much support because it's clearly so unhealthy. Sorry.... I'm being bitter. For those not in the know (because this is old news to she and I), she's in love with me, I am not in love with her, I have a boyfriend that I do love, she's my best friend and I am hers, and she's my sub. Complicated, huh? It hasn't been easy for either of us, but though the chemistry wasn't there for me, which dictated her kind of love, I do love her, very much, and didn't want her to be out of my life. I gave her every option and plenty of time to decide, and it was an incredibly painful time in both of our lives, and it still is painful from time to time. It gets easier as time goes on, and I still work to focus on the bigger picture so we can maintain healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship, which sometimes means I don't do certain things that she would like. It would have been wrong and overall more hurtful to both of us if I had lied and tried to fake the kind of romantic relationship she desired.
Connection, chemistry and emotion, any one of them can exist in each and every relationship we have. Think about it. We have to feel connection and emotion with our friends, or else we wouldn't want to be around them, care for them, root for them, boo their villains, it's just the emotion stops short of where chemistry takes us over the hump. These essences are all around us, all around those with whom we surround ourselves, if we're willing to look.
If you happen to be the person who has the feelings but they're not returned, you have options, either you can pine away in an unhealthy manner with a wish and a hope that something will change (not recommended), you can sever all ties, or you can choose to be their friend if you can handle it. Not easy, I get that, but life is not known for being easy street.
Then there's the situation my sweet Nancy and I are in, the one for which she's gotten so much support because it's clearly so unhealthy. Sorry.... I'm being bitter. For those not in the know (because this is old news to she and I), she's in love with me, I am not in love with her, I have a boyfriend that I do love, she's my best friend and I am hers, and she's my sub. Complicated, huh? It hasn't been easy for either of us, but though the chemistry wasn't there for me, which dictated her kind of love, I do love her, very much, and didn't want her to be out of my life. I gave her every option and plenty of time to decide, and it was an incredibly painful time in both of our lives, and it still is painful from time to time. It gets easier as time goes on, and I still work to focus on the bigger picture so we can maintain healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship, which sometimes means I don't do certain things that she would like. It would have been wrong and overall more hurtful to both of us if I had lied and tried to fake the kind of romantic relationship she desired.
Connection, chemistry and emotion, any one of them can exist in each and every relationship we have. Think about it. We have to feel connection and emotion with our friends, or else we wouldn't want to be around them, care for them, root for them, boo their villains, it's just the emotion stops short of where chemistry takes us over the hump. These essences are all around us, all around those with whom we surround ourselves, if we're willing to look.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Podcast - WTF Episode (yes, another one)
Nancy and I just shoot the shit, talking about our experience at a vanilla Skidrow Studios party, Nancy's recent punishment and the evolution of our relationship. It's intimate, revealing and fucking hilarious.
http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_121014_150053_SRS001.mp3
http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_121014_150053_SRS001.mp3
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Podcast - Abuse in D/s
In this episode we address the overlooked topic of abuse in D/s with special guest @CAkinklover, a domestic violence crisis counselor, survivor and active kinkster.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Podcast - Healthy Boundaries in D/s
ServiceSlut and I talk about the importance of emotional boundaries in D/s. We share many deep, personal experiences to highlight how we've come to understand, or not understand our own boundaries.
http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120902_150000_SRS001.mp3
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Podcast - Long Distance & Online D/s relationships
Nancy and I address the polarizing topic of long distance and online D/s relationships. We share our experiences, insight and some tips.
http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120812_150000_SRS001.mp3
http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120812_150000_SRS001.mp3
Friday, May 18, 2012
Does kinky attract the crazy, or bring the crazy out? in people?
With relationships come drama, but the question is, does the drama increase because we're kinky?
The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???
Before I probe this question (as a strap-on or cock would probe an ass), it's important to note why I'm asking this. Recently (which can span the last year), I, as well as several other people, have experienced some type of crazy within a kinky relationship, or usually at the end of it. When I say crazy, I mean bat-shit fucking crazy. Threatening lives, threatening to expose people, threatening friends. Bat. Shit. Fucking. Crazy. There is no other definition. There is also the more subtle crazy... the "what do you mean something's wrong? Everything's perfectly fine" when you know it's not - the delusional kind of crazy. That's a crazy where they don't know they're crazy, and I STRONGLY suggest you walk away VERY slowly from them, without turning your back.... just my well-informed opinion.
Here are some thoughts:
Crazies hide in kink
There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.
The Delusional
Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as
"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.
The Narcissist
Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:
Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.
The just plain crazy
You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.
Crazies are attracted to kink
This theory is based upon the concept that kink allows us to be freely connected to our inner desires, our inner animals, our inner savage, and thus free in a way most of society never will be. Us kinky fuckers have delved deeply into ourselves to discover how far our particular brand of depravity can go, and with this knowledge we embrace a freedom in what most of society would brand as "crazy." This freedom of self-acceptance is attractive, especially to people who can't accept their own crazy, or deal with it, or whatever, so they find themselves like moths to a flame, perhaps hoping to find acceptance.
Being on the edge alters us
Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me).
Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy
That sub with the mommy/daddy issues? The Dom/me with the control issues? Yeah.... if they don't keep their shit in check, they may very well turn crazy. Stumbling onto emotional landmines isn't atypical in this lifestyle, especially if you partake of humiliation and degradation, and if one of these landmines is discovered and not handled, that can lead to all sorts of bad things. One of the things we pride ourselves on in this community (yeah, I'm not being an egomaniac speaking for the whole community or anything... just go with it for a minute), is communication, communicating one's needs, wants, desires, limits, etc. So when the communication stops because of a past trauma, this can only result in negative outcomes.
We are hyper-aware
This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else.
All-in-all, I like to believe that most of us are sane people, and that most of us kinksters are a cut above others, since we have done our soul-searching, and instead of finding our bliss in crocheting, we've found it in caning people's asses while they're tied up.... mmmmm..... sorry... That doesn't mean that crazy ain't out there, but what it does mean is that we all must continue our due diligence in trying to weed out or limit the exposure to the crazies. Or decide that some types of crazy are a-okay. (Pick me! Pick me!)
The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???
Here are some thoughts:
Crazies hide in kink
There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.
Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as
"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
b : an abnormal mental state characterized by the occurrence of psychotic delusions
2
: a false belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that persists despite the facts and occurs in some psychotic states."
In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.
The Narcissist
Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:
- Believing that you're better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
- Expecting constant praise and admiration
- Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
- Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.
The just plain crazy
You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.
Crazies are attracted to kink
Being on the edge alters us
Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me).
Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy
We are hyper-aware
This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else.
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