Solitude, why I need it

I do my best thinking, soul searching alone in the early morning, sometimes when I'm not quite awake. The solitude is a strange, lonely comfort when sorting through things. It doesn't judge, doesn't demand time, attention, it just is; as I should be. Within these all the brief moments I'm allowed to be vulnerable, weak, paranoid, scared, helpless, strong, whatever emotions I've bottled up since the last foray into solitude come to light.

I naturally tend to dote on the darker side of life - it calls to me often, singing its siren song, luring me to the jagged rocks where I would crash. Day-to-day life doesn't grant the luxury of that. Yes, it's a luxury. A luxury to be able to be pulled towards your fear. Not dwell in it, but be forced to see it up close and personal. Fear is strong, but becomes much weaker when it's seen in the light. So for me, being pulled towards it, whether against my will or willingly, is necessary and powerful. In those moments I find catharsis, tears, anger, despair, longing, regret, worry, depression, and anxiety. All of those feelings have power, over you, me, those around us - a power to stop some people, to propel others, and to paralyze some.  It's a choice whether I stay there, whether the sirens hold me against the rocks, where the storm of fear wreaks havoc on me. Sometimes I choose to stay for a while, sometimes I need that - need to feel those things so I can remember what they are, remember that once I strapped myself to those rocks and allowed the waves to crush me day after day, and that I'm not that person anymore. Revisiting the rocks is necessary so I never forget.
Equally important is leaving the rocks. Truly leaving them, knowing you won't need to be there for long. All things in life are temporary. Death has finality, but the living can choose to move on. Many of us kill ourselves, our spirits, on a daily basis, coming back for more, a grotesque groundhog day reliving our pains and fears all the time. We don't have to. We can choose a different course. Each day, each moment is an opportunity to not follow the sirens. I would say not hear, but we always hear them, we can simply choose not to follow. Make a different choice. It's like a muscle, we have to build it up and in the beginning we're too weak to do much, but in time, it get stronger.

Subtext

What's beneath the words we say? Do we ever truly say everything that's in our head? Often I'd say that would qualify as purely rude. The unfiltered thoughts are harsh, sometimes cruel, or too honest. Is that it? Is it the honesty we fear? Condemn? I'm not sure. Brutal honesty is scary because we depend on the consideration and courtesy of others to not blatantly blurt those realities about us for which we have shame, guilt, embarrassment, things that fill our basket of insecurities.

So then how can we say we're truly honest if it's all a facade? I mean, that's what it is, isn't it? A beautiful front that conceals a darker underbelly.

Conversely, we're overly brutal with ourselves. Not honest, but brutal. How can we do that? Vascillate between deluding ourselves into believing we're worse, or better, than we are. How do we ever know what we are? Are we the reflections given back to us by others? Are we the impact on those around us?

Perhaps the answer is a hybrid -  more honesty with those around us, less brutality towards ourselves. If only we could master the subtleties of such a thing.

The Love Bite Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships

Relationships are hard, add D/s and it can complicate it further. Nancy & I talk about our personal experiences, trial, tribulations and successes.
The Love Bite – 02/10/2013 – Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships

Sometimes I get it all wrong

It makes me laugh when people say they're scared of me. The concept truly is hilarious, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate, caring, empathetic, attentive and above all, reasonable. Every one of these things robs me of the ability to be a "true Dom." And I'm about two seconds away from saying fuck it all. Either I should just be a douchy dom, they seem to get all kinds of respect, or just hang up my Dom hat. I am just a girl after all, I'm not deserving of it anyway. Aren't I just a submissive who hasn't found the right Dom anyway? (as all women are) [demi-rant and MASSIVE sarcasm font]

Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself. 

For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.

I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*

Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?

So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.

It's only Twitter

I get it, it's ONLY Twitter, but how many times has Twitter kept each and every one of us sane? It's not "only" Twitter then, it's your lifeline. How many married people have found solace from a crumbling and unsatisfying marriage? How many sad and lonely people have found friendship and camaraderie? How many people have fucked someone from Twitter? Fallen in love from afar? Had their heart broken? Yet one is supposed to be comforted by it "only" being "Twitter" when we feel hurt by it. 

So Twitter is perfectly valid when it incites emotions that are positive, but it becomes illegitimate when they're hurtful feelings? I just want to get the rules right, because god forbid I do Twitter wrong.

I guess it's only Twitter when someone else is having a good time, and that good time has offended and/or hurt someone. Gotcha.

To diminish one's emotions is to rob us of the human experience. Overreacting and feeling butthurt is a critical component of living life. You know what's also a critical component of living life? Moving on from that hurt, from little hurts and big hurts and broken hearts and paper cuts to the heart, that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to learn and evolve and not stay stuck in those moments of pain, even when they take our breath away.

So yes, it's Twitter, but it's not only Twitter, it's a part of our lives, and our emotional reactions are valid, even when they're unreasonable. How can we learn from it if we dismiss it as "only Twitter?"

The shadow that lingers

There is a shadow that clings to some whether you see it or not, sometimes it appears in an echo, an expression on one's face or more plainly in words that we say. This shadow is the mistakes we carry with us, for good or bad. Too often the montage of mistakes flies at me at a speed too rapid to combat, then I feel my shoulders slump, feel a greater sense of defeat, and struggle with each subsequent step I'm about to take. 

Can I confess something? I'm scared to forgive myself and say goodbye to the shadow, afraid that if I do I'm doomed to repeat my errors, or lose any humility they may have taught me. It's like a perverse rendition of Dorian Grey, expect it's more like my portrait looks like Quasimodo with a hump on my back packed with all the mistakes I've ever made and getting bigger each day. It's not debilitating, in a way it's comforting. It's a comfort to look at that hump, as big as it is, and recognize for a moment what I'm constantly working not to be. 

I'm sure there's a better way, but as always fear prevents me from taking that path, and I don't mean that mild fear of performing, or moving to a different country, I mean that fear that you'll lose who and what you are. That's a fear that stops a person cold. No, that's a fear that stops me cold. It's taken me 40 years to be proud of who and what I am, what I've endured, who I love, who I help, and even who I loathe, to lose something that's taken so long to acquire terrifies me. 

I don't know if I'll ever find the courage to shed this hump, this shadow and reminder of all that has formed me, but until I do (if ever) I'll look back on it to remind me of my journey and to not forget the hard-driven path.

Connection, chemistry, emotion

This conversation happened on Twitter the other day, which got me thinking about connection, chemistry and emotion. We all have felt them (I hope) and they're required for an emotionally intimate relationship to take place, but what happens when it's one-sided, or when it's faked, maliciously or not? Or, in the scenario presented by this gentleman, that both parties desire it, but it's not there?

I've tried willing myself to love someone the way they do me, I've even lied to myself and my partner with the premise "fake it 'til you make it," all to disastrous results. And then when I do fall in love it's with someone 3,000 miles away, so yeah, things don't always work out how we wish.

The greater question is, how do we deal with this situation when it arises? The easy answer is be honest, but if we're really being honest, sometimes that's difficult to do if that means hurting someone else. As cold-hearted as many believe me to be, I am not, and it is extremely difficult for me to knowingly hurt someone. Let me clarify, it USED to be difficult for me, but now I know that the small pain at the beginning is a kindness to them, as opposed to lying to them, leading them on and then destroying their hearts. In a previous blog I had written a post on the song "Nothing" by The Script, not because I was writing from the perspective of the singer, but from the woman who said nothing in return to his reclamation of his affections and love for her. Sometimes nothing is the best gift you can give someone, so they can move on with their lives, away from something that doesn't have the chemistry for both parties.I find that when I focus on what's the overall long-term good, I can manage to do what might be impossible otherwise. 

If you happen to be the person who has the feelings but they're not returned, you have options, either you can pine away in an unhealthy manner with a wish and a hope that something will change (not recommended), you can sever all ties, or you can choose to be their friend if you can handle it. Not easy, I get that, but life is not known for being easy street. 

Then there's the situation my sweet Nancy and I are in, the one for which she's gotten so much support because it's clearly so unhealthy. Sorry.... I'm being bitter. For those not in the know (because this is old news to she and I), she's in love with me, I am not in love with her, I have a boyfriend that I do love, she's my best friend and I am hers, and she's my sub. Complicated, huh? It hasn't been easy for either of us, but though the chemistry wasn't there for me, which dictated her kind of love, I do love her, very much, and didn't want her to be out of my life. I gave her every option and plenty of time to decide, and it was an incredibly painful time in both of our lives, and it still is painful from time to time. It gets easier as time goes on, and I still work to focus on the bigger picture so we can maintain healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship, which sometimes means I don't do certain things that she would like. It would have been wrong and overall more hurtful to both of us if I had lied and tried to fake the kind of romantic relationship she desired.

Connection, chemistry and emotion, any one of them can exist in each and every relationship we have. Think about it. We have to feel connection and emotion with our friends, or else we wouldn't want to be around them, care for them, root for them, boo their villains, it's just the emotion stops short of where chemistry takes us over the hump. These essences are all around us, all around those with whom we surround ourselves, if we're willing to look.

Blank Pages

There’s nothing quite so intimidating as a blank page, or a blank canvas, or even rock bottom. Why? Because every move made on these blank arenas define you, and you can be defined beautifully or as something unworthy to be crumbled up and unceremoniously tossed aside. So often people choose to leave it blank out of fear, worry that they won’t measure up to whatever they or others have decided is their worth.

Fear is a loathsome thing, it robs us of too much life, too much living. Are we to be slaves to fear for life? Is there a point when we look past the fear to see that it’s robbing us? Is that what wisdom is, wisdom from a life spattered with fear, or just life lived?

I look at the blank and unfinished pages of my life and wonder why I never finished them and wonder if it’s too late to finish them now. I’d like to think that there’s never a point when one can’t pick up the pieces and complete those blank things to redefine who we are, as long as that’s not the end.

One word at a time, one stroke of the brush, not to be afraid that the finished concept can’t compete with your expectations of yourself, or your hopes, it’s not a competition. (well unless you’re trying to get published then I suppose that yes, it is a competition, but let’s not focus on that now shall we?) That’s how I want to live this life, word by word, stroke by stroke, step by step, and appreciate each and every one of them for what they are and not what they should be. Acceptance and enjoyment are the keys to filling out a blank page.

Yes, these are words to me, reminders that life is too short to waste it in fear, and maybe they're words others need to hear too.

2012

This year has sucked, splattered with a few things that made it worthwhile. I suppose year end is a good time to take stock. For me, 2012 was a year of not enough, where I seemed to fall short in a multitude of areas and wasn't quite enough for anything, treading water badly.

I'm rather annoyed with not being enough. I think the proper approach would be to reframe it all. Not to falsely diminish what I want, but to try treading water in a swimming pool, and not the Pacific Ocean.

One good thing comes out of a shitty year, lowered expectations for the next year. So I'll take these lowered expectations and seduce 2013 to be my ally.

So that's it, no resolutions, no grand plans, just survival and avoid any nuclear fallout from 2012.

My Vagina Blogologue

Everyone's talking about their vaginas. Not their pussies, not their va jay jays, not their cunts, THEIR VAGINAS. This word can be polarizing, much more so than penis. I think because the penis is fully visible (and thanks to the Twitterverse visible often), we feel like we understand it, and those to whom the penis is attached; whereas the vagina is hidden, cloistered away, an enigma. Is this a metaphor for the body to whom the vagina is attached? Perhaps.

This all came about from a series of texts with @ServiceSlut where she determined that she had zero bush confidence. O_o Bush confidence?? Oh this ==>
So she blogged about her vagina. Did you know a lot of women are talking about their vaginas?? Well they are. The Pussy Pride Project is seeing to it, and I fully endorse it.

So here I am to talk about mine. I can get into the phsyicalities of it, about the color, the labia, the sensitivity, how she likes to be touched or not touched, but to me that demeans her. My vagina isn't just about sex, or even reproduction, my vagina is about power. Not power over you or me, or anyone; it's simple, raw power. It is the center of my femininity and that which makes me who I am.

My vagina can exist without a penis. My vagina can thrive without a penis. Mind you, my vagina likes the penis, she likes it a lot, but that's like saying my mouth likes filet mignon, I can survive without it, but I enjoy it.

My vagina has made me approach the world differently from how I might. Growing up, I witnessed the effectiveness of men in the world, how their misogyny sculpted a society where they were in control, when I knew deep down that just wasn't right. (Are you shocked that I'm a feminist? No, no you're not.) The truth is this is the world in which we live and I can jump up and down about how unfair it is all I want (which I did quite often when I was young), but in order to make any sort of an impact, I must adapt to the situation. So I did, I learned that I can't be like a man, throwing my dick around, using it for sword fights and pissing contests (all metaphorically, we're talking "polite" society now). I have to be like a vagina; subtle. 
Anyone who knows me knows that "subtle" isn't a word to describe me, ever; however, subtlety comes in numerous forms. I use feminine influence in lieu of overt logic or power plays. This influence is stronger and more powerful than any fear or force. Why? Because someone does what I want, what needs to be done, because they believe: a) they want to, and b) it's their idea. Additionally, I'm insanely nurturing, and men are profoundly influenced by a woman's nurturing ways, and crave it. This is important because they'll always come back seeking that nurturing validation. That's the key, that's what my vagina is IMO.

I don't feel shame for my vagina, whatever her physical condition. She is beautiful, as she is the center of me. She can get lost in the shuffle of daily life, but part of the beauty of the vagina, is its elasticity; her ability to mold and shape herself to any and all situations, penis, and babies. Yes, my vagina has super powers. Your vagina has super powers! It can leap buildings in a single bound, solve any problem, soothe any hurt, cause immense pain, create unimaginable beauty; that my friends is miraculous. 

Embrace your vagina, the vagina of one you love, see it for all it is, all it has done, all it will do, and all it will be.

Does kinky attract the crazy, or bring the crazy out? in people?

With relationships come drama, but the question is, does the drama increase because we're kinky? 


The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???

Before I probe this question (as a strap-on or cock would probe an ass), it's important to note why I'm asking this. Recently (which can span the last year), I, as well as several other people, have experienced some type of crazy within a kinky relationship, or usually at the end of it. When I say crazy, I mean bat-shit fucking crazy. Threatening lives, threatening to expose people, threatening friends. Bat. Shit. Fucking. Crazy. There is no other definition. There is also the more subtle crazy... the "what do you mean something's wrong? Everything's perfectly fine" when you know it's not - the delusional kind of crazy. That's a crazy where they don't know they're crazy, and I STRONGLY suggest you walk away VERY slowly from them, without turning your back.... just my well-informed opinion. 


Here are some thoughts:


Crazies hide in kink


There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.

The Delusional


Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as 

"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded

b : an abnormal mental state characterized by the occurrence of psychotic delusions

2

: a false belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that persists despite the facts and occurs in some psychotic states."

In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.


The Narcissist


Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.


The just plain crazy


You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.


Crazies are attracted to kink

This theory is based upon the concept that kink allows us to be freely connected to our inner desires, our inner animals, our inner savage, and thus free in a way most of society never will be. Us kinky fuckers have delved deeply into ourselves to discover how far our particular brand of depravity can go, and with this knowledge we embrace a freedom in what most of society would brand as "crazy." This freedom of self-acceptance is attractive, especially to people who can't accept their own crazy, or deal with it, or whatever, so they find themselves like moths to a flame, perhaps hoping to find acceptance.


Being on the edge alters us


Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me). 


Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy

That sub with the mommy/daddy issues? The Dom/me with the control issues? Yeah.... if they don't keep their shit in check, they may very well turn crazy. Stumbling onto emotional landmines isn't atypical in this lifestyle, especially if you partake of humiliation and degradation, and if one of these landmines is discovered and not handled, that can lead to all sorts of bad things. One of the things we pride ourselves on in this community (yeah, I'm not being an egomaniac speaking for the whole community or anything... just go with it for a minute), is communication, communicating one's needs, wants, desires, limits, etc. So when the communication stops because of a past trauma, this can only result in negative outcomes. 


We are hyper-aware


This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else. 

All-in-all, I like to believe that most of us are sane people, and that most of us kinksters are a cut above others, since we have done our soul-searching, and instead of finding our bliss in crocheting, we've found it in caning people's asses while they're tied up.... mmmmm..... sorry... That doesn't mean that crazy ain't out there, but what it does mean is that we all must continue our due diligence in trying to weed out or limit the exposure to the crazies. Or decide that some types of crazy are a-okay. (Pick me! Pick me!)

Podcast - Life vs. Lifestyle

Nancy and I get raw and honest about balancing our D/s and vanilla lives. Our openness will surprise you and may provide insight into how you can balance life and lifestyle in your own situation.