Connection, chemistry, emotion

This conversation happened on Twitter the other day, which got me thinking about connection, chemistry and emotion. We all have felt them (I hope) and they're required for an emotionally intimate relationship to take place, but what happens when it's one-sided, or when it's faked, maliciously or not? Or, in the scenario presented by this gentleman, that both parties desire it, but it's not there?

I've tried willing myself to love someone the way they do me, I've even lied to myself and my partner with the premise "fake it 'til you make it," all to disastrous results. And then when I do fall in love it's with someone 3,000 miles away, so yeah, things don't always work out how we wish.

The greater question is, how do we deal with this situation when it arises? The easy answer is be honest, but if we're really being honest, sometimes that's difficult to do if that means hurting someone else. As cold-hearted as many believe me to be, I am not, and it is extremely difficult for me to knowingly hurt someone. Let me clarify, it USED to be difficult for me, but now I know that the small pain at the beginning is a kindness to them, as opposed to lying to them, leading them on and then destroying their hearts. In a previous blog I had written a post on the song "Nothing" by The Script, not because I was writing from the perspective of the singer, but from the woman who said nothing in return to his reclamation of his affections and love for her. Sometimes nothing is the best gift you can give someone, so they can move on with their lives, away from something that doesn't have the chemistry for both parties.I find that when I focus on what's the overall long-term good, I can manage to do what might be impossible otherwise. 

If you happen to be the person who has the feelings but they're not returned, you have options, either you can pine away in an unhealthy manner with a wish and a hope that something will change (not recommended), you can sever all ties, or you can choose to be their friend if you can handle it. Not easy, I get that, but life is not known for being easy street. 

Then there's the situation my sweet Nancy and I are in, the one for which she's gotten so much support because it's clearly so unhealthy. Sorry.... I'm being bitter. For those not in the know (because this is old news to she and I), she's in love with me, I am not in love with her, I have a boyfriend that I do love, she's my best friend and I am hers, and she's my sub. Complicated, huh? It hasn't been easy for either of us, but though the chemistry wasn't there for me, which dictated her kind of love, I do love her, very much, and didn't want her to be out of my life. I gave her every option and plenty of time to decide, and it was an incredibly painful time in both of our lives, and it still is painful from time to time. It gets easier as time goes on, and I still work to focus on the bigger picture so we can maintain healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship, which sometimes means I don't do certain things that she would like. It would have been wrong and overall more hurtful to both of us if I had lied and tried to fake the kind of romantic relationship she desired.

Connection, chemistry and emotion, any one of them can exist in each and every relationship we have. Think about it. We have to feel connection and emotion with our friends, or else we wouldn't want to be around them, care for them, root for them, boo their villains, it's just the emotion stops short of where chemistry takes us over the hump. These essences are all around us, all around those with whom we surround ourselves, if we're willing to look.