The Love Bite Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships

Relationships are hard, add D/s and it can complicate it further. Nancy & I talk about our personal experiences, trial, tribulations and successes.
The Love Bite – 02/10/2013 – Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships

The Love Bite Podcast Intimate Talk

On this show we discuss our darkest fears, desires and some recent relationship issues that resulted in punishment and a reset for Nancy and me.

The Love Bite – 02/03/2013 – Intimate Talk

Sometimes I get it all wrong

It makes me laugh when people say they're scared of me. The concept truly is hilarious, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate, caring, empathetic, attentive and above all, reasonable. Every one of these things robs me of the ability to be a "true Dom." And I'm about two seconds away from saying fuck it all. Either I should just be a douchy dom, they seem to get all kinds of respect, or just hang up my Dom hat. I am just a girl after all, I'm not deserving of it anyway. Aren't I just a submissive who hasn't found the right Dom anyway? (as all women are) [demi-rant and MASSIVE sarcasm font]

Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself. 

For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.

I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*

Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?

So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.

Podcast - Dominance & submission

On @The_Love_Bite, @ServiceSlut and I discuss how Dominance and submission can be situational and relational, as well as how there is a sliding scale of this relational D/s, and how we've experienced it in our own lives.

http://www.skidrowstudios.com/the-love-bite/2012-11-25/10808/the-love-bite-11252012-dominance-submission

Punishment

Not too long ago, my sweet @ServiceSlut hesitantly admitted to me that she had been hitting her clit with her remote control. Repeatedly. This only came about after a scene wherein I cropped her naked pussy and clit. I was upset, but this wasn't the end of the world. I did wonder if she would have said nothing had the clit hitting scene never occurred. That was the most disturbing thought, to be honest; I was left wondering if this absolute faith in her was authentic.

As we drove home from the dungeon I contemplated her confession and rolled around various options in my head. For me there are levels to all things. Most times only corrections are required - verbal reminders of what should be done or what was done improperly. Too many verbal reminders and then there comes discipline. Although Nancy had not received any verbal reminders about this, it did warrant discipline in my eyes. As I contemplated my various ideas, I settled on the most obvious: touching. There was no touching of her. At all. Other than the normal kind such as cleaning one's self, and other maintenance not including pleasure. I also decided that she should not be touched by me either. Touch is important to her, affection, that connection, and my touch even more. As her owner, the energy that comes from me into her recharges her, calms her, gives her focus, or really whatever emotion I'm putting into my energy at the moment. So that was to stop for a week. A solid week. She was also forbidden from going on Tumblr or reading any erotica, etc. Anything sexually charged was a no-no. This was actually done as a kindness, as she wasn't going to get permission to touch herself regardless, why excite the poor girl?

The first day of no touching she and I spent together and it turned into the cruelest version of "I'm not touching you" ever. Normally when I pass by someone, I touch them in some small way to let them know I'm there, put them at ease, whatever. It's a thing. When I passed Nancy during this discipline, I went out of my way to not even rub up against her accidentally, though I'd make sure she could feel my breath on her neck, or hear my voice in her ear. I would also reach my hand as if I was going to touch her, but fall short. The look on her face as my hand approached her was heavenly and then as it didn't touch her was like I'd taken a toy from a child. It might have been heartbreaking if it wasn't so damn fun for me. She begged for me to touch her, so I slapped her. She said she was wet, so I forcefully rammed by hand in her pussy to see, and when I say forcefully, it was pretty fucking rough. And she was very, very wet. 

She was miserable. It was perfect. Discipline is not intended to be enjoyable, it should be uncomfortable, even painful, else why would one not repeat the offense? 

The next day as we were leaving the studio from doing The Love Bite she confessed that she started searching for dirty pictures on Pinterest. No, I did not outlaw Pinterest, just Tumblr and erotica; however, it was clear she was manipulating a loophole. To say that I was angry is an understatement. The drive back to my house was quiet and I contemplated much. To me, this was a failure. I had failed as a Mistress, as a Dominant. I had lost control and she was now comfortable lying to me repeatedly. I scanned my mind for where I went wrong, and the points aren't hard to find, they're there and easily seen. I knew why she had done it, both things, and I knew where and how I had failed. It shook me, rattled me, made me question myself, my role, and our relationship. The stench of failure wafted from me like a gym sock. Before I could respond with anything, even benign conversation was longer than I expected. I had failed and let down my submissive and myself. This is a difficult concept to grasp, much less accept and be able to move on from, or learn from. 

I had to step up my game. Full stop. This clusterfuck would either break me or define me. The question was, how did I want to be defined? Am I a Dominant worthy of her submission? Of anyone's submission? Or am I merely being irresponsible, unable to manage one tiny submissive? Have I become so lazy that the road back to what I believed myself to be is too far gone? My anger grew. It become fury. I was unable to think, to process any of this, because all I could see was red hot wrath. I wasn't angry at Nancy, just me, though she did need to be punished for these rapid fire transgressions, I just wasn't able to do it until I was calm. I wasn't even able to actualize a punishment in this state. I had to rapidly force myself to go through my emotional turmoil so I could manage her. So I fast tracked it and put my mind to the job of deciding what is the most suitable punishment for her.

Nancy has a low tolerance for pain, she's never been a heavy masochist, but I knew that pain needed to be a component of this punishment. What I needed to do was remind her who she was, and more importantly who I am and who she is in relationship to me. This required a multifaceted approach. First, I needed to know the answers to those questions, second, I needed to establish how to drive to point home. 

The mindfuck started early, actually it started the moment I decided what to do. I leaked out a few choice words so she would have some days to let them linger in her mind, fester, grow into a raging monster of fear that balled up in her stomach. She expressed her fear, I iterated that she wasn't scared enough. She's never seen me angry. When I'm angry I remove myself from situations. My anger is not pretty, it's terrifying, it's damaging, it causes long and permanent harm to people. I have a special set of skills, of which I'm not proud, that allow me to truly cut someone with words, deep. So I choose not to do that, besides it's immature. The point being, she didn't know what to expect. 

Punishment night arrived. She sat on my couch as I readied the restraints on the bed. She was nervous like a virgin on prom night. I wrapped duct tape around her head to muffle her sounds, then asked her to remove her clothes. Once she was naked I pushed her over the bed and began strapping on the restraints. She's been restrained by me before, but this was different, I was cold, unfeeling, she didn't get tender brushes from my hand, or even scratches from my nails, she got nothing but me strapping the cuffs to her skin, insuring safety protocols were being followed. I didn't look at her, because I didn't need to. There was no fire dancing in my eyes, they were dark and callous. Once she was stretched out, bent over the bed, feet barely touching the ground because she's being pulled so tightly, I grabbed the paddle. I chose a square breadboard paddle that makes almost immediate welts on anyone with whom I've played. The welts were key. This punishment wasn't for just one night, it needed to linger with her for a long time. I had her count out the 10 unmerciful smacks I applied to her naked ass. There was no warm-up, there was no pacing, they were almost full-force smacks, and they hurt. She tried to escape, tried to cry so hard that maybe I'd stop. My coldness intensified with each sob. This was her punishment, tears were not going to stop me, neither were welts. Her ass was becoming bright red, with white spots where the welts were developing. I only gave her 10 good swats.

After the 10 swats, I grabbed some dildos and began fucking her pussy with them. Why? Ah... well that goes back to what she was doing that resulted in the punishment. She wanted sex, she wanted to feel that uninhibited pleasure rushing between her legs. What better time to introduce it to her than after a fierce paddling? There was no love, nor pleasure given in this pussy fucking, it was brutal, rape like and she was being used. Her tears never stopped, her body shuddered in resignation and defeat, not in an orgasm. I tossed the dildos aside and grabbed the crop and began rapidly smacking her wet and abused pussy. Her feet lifted off the ground to no avail, my crop kept finding her pussy and her clit, it kept creating this pleasure/pain combination.

When I was done, I unceremoniously unshackled her, threw a blanket on her without touching her and told her when she was done crying to come crawling to me, kiss my feet and beg my fucking forgiveness. After she took a few minutes to recover and she did her groveling, her stuttering tears continued as she struggled to understand why she did what she did. Truthfully it boiled down to jealousy, a desire for attention, and a desire to be sexually craved. How do I make sure she doesn't repeat her mistakes? I actually don't know. I have a plan, but plans fail, as I did in the beginning. What I need is to be more. Whatever more is, I need to be it. How does one be more? Maybe "more" is the wrong word, maybe there's a better word that's escaped me and my ego this evening. 

My punishment isn't over and done with, I'll be constantly watching myself, criticizing, correcting so that I can do what is within my power to prevent another failure like this. It's a journey, and there is no destination, but there are potholes.

Podcast - WTF Episode (yes, another one)

Nancy and I just shoot the shit, talking about our experience at a vanilla Skidrow Studios party, Nancy's recent punishment and the evolution of our relationship. It's intimate, revealing and fucking hilarious.

http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_121014_150053_SRS001.mp3

Podcast - Abuse in D/s

In this episode we address the overlooked topic of abuse in D/s with special guest @CAkinklover, a domestic violence crisis counselor, survivor and active kinkster.

http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120909_150000_SRS001.mp3

Podcast - Healthy Boundaries in D/s

ServiceSlut and I talk about the importance of emotional boundaries in D/s. We share many deep, personal experiences to highlight how we've come to understand, or not understand our own boundaries.

http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120902_150000_SRS001.mp3

Podcast - Long Distance & Online D/s relationships

Nancy and I address the polarizing topic of long distance and online D/s relationships. We share our experiences, insight and some tips.

http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120812_150000_SRS001.mp3

Podcast - the psychology of BDSM

We discuss the psychology of BDSM from us as nonprofessionals


http://www.skidrowstudios.com/podcasts/thelovebite_120708_150000_SRS001.mp3

Does kinky attract the crazy, or bring the crazy out? in people?

With relationships come drama, but the question is, does the drama increase because we're kinky? 


The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???

Before I probe this question (as a strap-on or cock would probe an ass), it's important to note why I'm asking this. Recently (which can span the last year), I, as well as several other people, have experienced some type of crazy within a kinky relationship, or usually at the end of it. When I say crazy, I mean bat-shit fucking crazy. Threatening lives, threatening to expose people, threatening friends. Bat. Shit. Fucking. Crazy. There is no other definition. There is also the more subtle crazy... the "what do you mean something's wrong? Everything's perfectly fine" when you know it's not - the delusional kind of crazy. That's a crazy where they don't know they're crazy, and I STRONGLY suggest you walk away VERY slowly from them, without turning your back.... just my well-informed opinion. 


Here are some thoughts:


Crazies hide in kink


There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.

The Delusional


Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as 

"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded

b : an abnormal mental state characterized by the occurrence of psychotic delusions

2

: a false belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that persists despite the facts and occurs in some psychotic states."

In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.


The Narcissist


Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.


The just plain crazy


You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.


Crazies are attracted to kink

This theory is based upon the concept that kink allows us to be freely connected to our inner desires, our inner animals, our inner savage, and thus free in a way most of society never will be. Us kinky fuckers have delved deeply into ourselves to discover how far our particular brand of depravity can go, and with this knowledge we embrace a freedom in what most of society would brand as "crazy." This freedom of self-acceptance is attractive, especially to people who can't accept their own crazy, or deal with it, or whatever, so they find themselves like moths to a flame, perhaps hoping to find acceptance.


Being on the edge alters us


Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me). 


Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy

That sub with the mommy/daddy issues? The Dom/me with the control issues? Yeah.... if they don't keep their shit in check, they may very well turn crazy. Stumbling onto emotional landmines isn't atypical in this lifestyle, especially if you partake of humiliation and degradation, and if one of these landmines is discovered and not handled, that can lead to all sorts of bad things. One of the things we pride ourselves on in this community (yeah, I'm not being an egomaniac speaking for the whole community or anything... just go with it for a minute), is communication, communicating one's needs, wants, desires, limits, etc. So when the communication stops because of a past trauma, this can only result in negative outcomes. 


We are hyper-aware


This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else. 

All-in-all, I like to believe that most of us are sane people, and that most of us kinksters are a cut above others, since we have done our soul-searching, and instead of finding our bliss in crocheting, we've found it in caning people's asses while they're tied up.... mmmmm..... sorry... That doesn't mean that crazy ain't out there, but what it does mean is that we all must continue our due diligence in trying to weed out or limit the exposure to the crazies. Or decide that some types of crazy are a-okay. (Pick me! Pick me!)

Guestapalooza!

It's a guestapalooza as Mistress Insidious & Nancy welcome @MusinginColor, @8_inch_cock, @SinCityMermaid & @NewYearsEveBoy. Phew! That's a mouthful, and we're not just talking the 8 inch cock! 


We discuss Gemini's life as a switch, her relationship with her Sir, 8's reaction to the kinky scene & lots of input from everyone else.


This hour is so packed, it'll feel like a fat girl in a tube top #smushedlikesausage

Podcast - Unbalanced D/s

We have a male submissive guest on as we discuss unbalanced D/s relationships and how one handles that.

Podcast - Fucked-up D/s

Nancy & I discuss fucked up D/s. Seriously, it's hilarious.