Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Steak & Blowjob day, two ways

Steak & Blowjob day – two ways

Steak & Blowjob day is just a few days away (3/14/16) – are you prepared? In preparation of said event I have suggestions for two different avenues kinksters can celebrate this auspicious occasion.

First – The traditional S&BJ seems simple enough – grill up a thick, juicy steak, feed it to your man and then go down on him. Ho hum… even though that has two things most men adore, it’s still so banal. Following this framework might I recommend something that takes it to the next level? Suggestions are:

Seeing as Steak & BJ day 2016 is on a Monday, if you live together have a concrete plan for how you will greet him. Will you wear his favorite outfit, undies, nothing? Will you have his favorite beverage prepared? Follow the platinum rule, which is not the same as the golden rule. You remember the golden rule right? Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. The problem with this is not everyone wants to be treated like you, in fact, each of us have preferences in the way we would like to be spoken to, touched, interacted with, etc. So enters the platinum rule – do unto others as THEY would like done to themselves. So in that vein, how does your partner want to be treated? Does he want to feel worshiped and fawned over, or for you to aggressively initiate and make your desire of him know through actions? Does he prefer you to be shy and demure so he can caveman the fuck out of you? Sometimes it depends on his mood too. Take some time to identify his needs & wants and cater to them.

Second – The FemDom kinkster S&BJ day…

Make sure your Mistress likes steak, then get the cut She most prefers and prepare it to her liking. If you’re not inclined to cook it well enough, then elect to take Her to the best steak restaurant in your area.

After dinner, have Her strap-on prepared and cleaned, laid out for Her. Kneel before Her and beg to suck her cock. And I mean BEG. Once She grants you permission assist Her in putting it on comfortably. Then suck Her cock like it’s the only thing you’ll have in your mouth for a lifetime. Make Her proud of your cock sucking skills. Make Her wet with how eager you are.

Then be sure to do any of the other things She may desire. Make this a wonderfully special day for Her.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

What is knowledge

Knowledge, "book" knowledge is something quite different from wisdom. In French there are two different verbs for "knowing" something or someone. Savoir is the know in the sense of understanding, passing a test, whereas connaître is to truly know, deep, personal, even intimate knowledge of someone or something.

So when one spends countless hours learning about a subject, let's say sex, or Psychology, or relationships, and finds all that information merely white noise that leads to realizing you're Jon Snow - you know nothing. That, my friends, is frustrating.

The challenge is that when seeking information, what we really want is wisdom. Though the more I read, the less I know. Je le sais, mais au même temps, il n'y rien que je connais. (I know it, but at the same time there is nothing I *know*). The truth is, the only way to learn is to live, and to fuck up. The fucking up part seems to be the easiest for most of us, it's the learning from it that presents the issue.

I'll still spend hours reading, trying to learn, unsure if any connaître is happening.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

And even now I feel like I’m fucking it up.

And even now I feel like I’m fucking it up.

I found myself texting these words to a friend who’s finalizing his divorce and coming to terms with the nature of his abusive marriage. No one wants to believe they are or have been abused, but once that realization takes hold it’s difficult to see the world in any other way. As Nietzsche said, “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you”

We are only tested when we face true opponents. Masturbatory self-improvement is just that, masturbatory; it makes us feel good, but isn’t actually making any headway. So how do you test your sanity after getting out of an abusive relationship and then hoping to have a solid, sane relationship? Unfortunately that means guinae pigs in the form of people we date, even with whom we relationship, and let’s be honest, that results in collateral damage. I can’t even think back to the numbers of people I’ve damaged because I wasn’t emotionally ready for something. Certainly none of it is done with malice, but as much introspection as one can do, and self-analysis, and psycho-analysis, we’re never sure we’re ready until we’re in that foxhole with mortars going off all around us.

That’s me right now – a year into a pretty stellar relationship and mortars are starting, the abyss is peering back, and I’m scared. Scared that I’m fucking it all up – again. Again, yes. No, it’s not rational, no I couldn’t fix my marriage, fix my husband, save my children, but I still feel woefully responsible for it all. Guilty and responsible. Ha! I always say guilt is a useless emotion, and yet if I look into the abyss it tells me I feel guilty.

As I sit in the parking lot of a liquor store chain smoking and crying, trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong I find myself at a loss. What's the next rational step? There never seems to be a road map for emotional mine fields, or self sabotage, or anything. We're blindly feeling around in the dark abyss, to open our eyes would be fruitless, it would only further solidify my knowledge that I simply know nothing.

Where to go from here? Suck it up? Fake it 'til you make it? Keep calm and carry on? All these maxims are hollow, words with no meaning; the things we tell ourselves and others when we know there's nothing good to say.

I have no answers. I look at my wrist with the word "believe" marked in the skin, a bittersweet memory that I should believe, In what I've never really been able to say. As an atheist it can't be God, or a higher power. Believe it will get better? This too shall pass? In myself? Ha, that's what I believe in least of all. Believe. Believe in the immutable truth that everything changes. Nothing lasts forever. As the Buddhists say, be like water, constantly flowing even when it's rocky.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Solitude, why I need it

I do my best thinking, soul searching alone in the early morning, sometimes when I'm not quite awake. The solitude is a strange, lonely comfort when sorting through things. It doesn't judge, doesn't demand time, attention, it just is; as I should be. Within these all the brief moments I'm allowed to be vulnerable, weak, paranoid, scared, helpless, strong, whatever emotions I've bottled up since the last foray into solitude come to light.

I naturally tend to dote on the darker side of life - it calls to me often, singing its siren song, luring me to the jagged rocks where I would crash. Day-to-day life doesn't grant the luxury of that. Yes, it's a luxury. A luxury to be able to be pulled towards your fear. Not dwell in it, but be forced to see it up close and personal. Fear is strong, but becomes much weaker when it's seen in the light. So for me, being pulled towards it, whether against my will or willingly, is necessary and powerful. In those moments I find catharsis, tears, anger, despair, longing, regret, worry, depression, and anxiety. All of those feelings have power, over you, me, those around us - a power to stop some people, to propel others, and to paralyze some.  It's a choice whether I stay there, whether the sirens hold me against the rocks, where the storm of fear wreaks havoc on me. Sometimes I choose to stay for a while, sometimes I need that - need to feel those things so I can remember what they are, remember that once I strapped myself to those rocks and allowed the waves to crush me day after day, and that I'm not that person anymore. Revisiting the rocks is necessary so I never forget.
Equally important is leaving the rocks. Truly leaving them, knowing you won't need to be there for long. All things in life are temporary. Death has finality, but the living can choose to move on. Many of us kill ourselves, our spirits, on a daily basis, coming back for more, a grotesque groundhog day reliving our pains and fears all the time. We don't have to. We can choose a different course. Each day, each moment is an opportunity to not follow the sirens. I would say not hear, but we always hear them, we can simply choose not to follow. Make a different choice. It's like a muscle, we have to build it up and in the beginning we're too weak to do much, but in time, it get stronger.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015


What's beneath the words we say? Do we ever truly say everything that's in our head? Often I'd say that would qualify as purely rude. The unfiltered thoughts are harsh, sometimes cruel, or too honest. Is that it? Is it the honesty we fear? Condemn? I'm not sure. Brutal honesty is scary because we depend on the consideration and courtesy of others to not blatantly blurt those realities about us for which we have shame, guilt, embarrassment, things that fill our basket of insecurities.

So then how can we say we're truly honest if it's all a facade? I mean, that's what it is, isn't it? A beautiful front that conceals a darker underbelly.

Conversely, we're overly brutal with ourselves. Not honest, but brutal. How can we do that? Vascillate between deluding ourselves into believing we're worse, or better, than we are. How do we ever know what we are? Are we the reflections given back to us by others? Are we the impact on those around us?

Perhaps the answer is a hybrid -  more honesty with those around us, less brutality towards ourselves. If only we could master the subtleties of such a thing.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Four actual ways to respond to comments about your weight

I was perusing Pulse (my favorite news aggregator app) when I saw an article titled "Four ways to respond to comments about your weight." Alright.... So despite it being from a fitness magazine I thought I'd give it a go....well that was a mistake. The entire article was about being defensive and explaining yourself, despite the #1 way to respond was "don't be defensive." This naturally prompted me to be work on my own list. As a woman of a plumper size and a brazen attitude, I'm accustomed to the glances and occasional passive-aggressive comments, though direct comments are far less common; so when on the rare occasion I do get comments I find any of the following suffice....

1) I love my fat ass. It's beautiful, and desirable, and if I were thinner my ass would be flatter. Let's be honest, as a white girl, the only thing keeping my ass from being a pancake is my chub.  In fact, I occasionally jiggle my fat to remind me of the hot, thick butts on Tumblr. Also.... It makes for an easier target to smack during sex. The odds are there isn't a hand too big for my buttocks. :)

2) I have zero plans to hit the gym with a false new years resolution. My wardrobe is perfect for my size, and really do I want to spend time with skinny bitches overtly judging my jiggle... No. So I shall, instead, refine my most excellent oral sex skills, or kissing skills, because yes, people want to get all up in my fat. Often.

3) As I age, my body become softer, but no less beautiful. This softness simply makes me more appealing. Why? Because softness is comfort; therefore, my body is the physical manifestation of comfort. How many people can say that?

4) Have you considered seeking out your lord and savior, Lord Cheesesnack? You, too, can be plump and Sexy if you just ate more cheese! It's okay.... Your significant other will be serving you rare and divine cheeses from around the world so you can plump up too. It's okay to love the chub.

Brilliant, isn't it? GO FORTH AND SPREAD THE LOVE

Friday, March 22, 2013

What makes a good Dominant?

Being a good Dominant can be summed up in one word: wholeness. Being a whole, complete person is what we seek in any partner, and even more so in one that is intended to lead others. Wholeness does not mean perfect, no, it means flawed, scarred and yet able to learn, grow and become more from the inevitable setbacks of life. 

To claim or strive for wholeness is a different issue from BEING whole, I doubt any single whole person exists. Wholeness as a Dominant means you are a real person, with emotions, insecurities, inabilities, gifts, passion, compassion, love, and struggles. No one is free from these, ever. Should that hinder you from being a Dominant? Never. It should fuel your drive in Dominance, it should give you reasons to reflect, and be a better D type. 

Wholeness as a concept is daunting, so then start with small things, I received many tips from wonderful twitterfolk. Recommendations for what makes a good Dominant were:

  • Intelligence
  • self-confidence
  • self-awareness
  • compassion
  • intuition
  • sadism
  • loving
  • caring
  • responsible
  • strong
  • not mean for meanness' sake
  • commitment
  • consistency
  • follow through
  • creativity
  • perseverance
  • inspires subs to find pride in every action, intentional or not
  • respectful
  • self-sufficient
  • open
  • desire to learn
Phew! I'm exhausted from just writing that. The list is long, and it comes from multiple people. There's no way a single person can be all of that. What's the point of throwing it up? Each person is designed for a different person. Find the list of what you NEED (not want) and seek out someone who's needs list is complimented by yours (hey look, relationship 101, who knew?)

Looking at that list, I tend to focus on the areas where I'm weakest, though I refuse to dote on them, because the areas where I have strength more than make up for that. Does that me a perfect Dominant? Hardly, but I'm perfect for someone, even many someones perhaps. The point is to be who you are, fill in the gaps where you lack as best you can, don't dwell on what you can't do, and work to improve. Oooh ... now we have Life 101, I like this class.

That entire list really boils down to one's INTENT. What is your intent in your Dominance? (or submission) If your intent is clear to you, it will become crystal clear to a submissive, and anyone else around. What is my intent? Growth, for all. I want to see anyone who serves me to blossom and become as whole as we as a team can make them, and me. In this, we both grow. Yes, I said team, a D/s relationship is absolutely a partnership built on teamwork, not on hierarchy. Do we all have roles to play? Of course, but those roles are there to work towards the intent of each party. 

Some basic keys of effective (or good) Dominance are some simple rules we've known for a long time.

1) Treat others with respect
2) Earn respect
3) Let the punishment fit the crime
4) Allow yourself to have emotions, but don't react when you're overwhelmed by them
5) Have fun
6) You will never arrive at a Dom compound where you'll find your work is done, your work is NEVER done
7) You get what you give
8) Keep yourself in check

Kind of simple, huh? The hardest things are always simply put, because each of these points require constant attention and intention, the left and right hands of success. 

I wish I could personally say that I've arrived at the Dom compound and now I can grace everyone with my brilliance, but I'm just me, and I fuck up, I lose it, I lack many of the points that make up a "good Dom;" however, I won't stop working on it, working towards ensuring my relationships are fulfilling for me and my partners. I suppose that's the key, working as hard as you can at any given time (some days that will be be better than others).