What makes a good Dominant?

Being a good Dominant can be summed up in one word: wholeness. Being a whole, complete person is what we seek in any partner, and even more so in one that is intended to lead others. Wholeness does not mean perfect, no, it means flawed, scarred and yet able to learn, grow and become more from the inevitable setbacks of life. 

To claim or strive for wholeness is a different issue from BEING whole, I doubt any single whole person exists. Wholeness as a Dominant means you are a real person, with emotions, insecurities, inabilities, gifts, passion, compassion, love, and struggles. No one is free from these, ever. Should that hinder you from being a Dominant? Never. It should fuel your drive in Dominance, it should give you reasons to reflect, and be a better D type. 

Wholeness as a concept is daunting, so then start with small things, I received many tips from wonderful twitterfolk. Recommendations for what makes a good Dominant were:

• Intelligence
• self-confidence
• self-awareness
• compassion
• intuition
• sadism
• loving
• caring
• responsible
• strong
• not mean for meanness' sake
• commitment
• consistency
• follow through
• creativity
• perseverance
• inspires subs to find pride in every action, intentional or not
• respectful
• self-sufficient
• open
• desire to learn

Phew! I'm exhausted from just writing that. The list is long, and it comes from multiple people. There's no way a single person can be all of that. What's the point of throwing it up? Each person is designed for a different person. Find the list of what you NEED (not want) and seek out someone who's needs list is complimented by yours (hey look, relationship 101, who knew?)

Looking at that list, I tend to focus on the areas where I'm weakest, though I refuse to dote on them, because the areas where I have strength more than make up for that. Does that me a perfect Dominant? Hardly, but I'm perfect for someone, even many someones perhaps. The point is to be who you are, fill in the gaps where you lack as best you can, don't dwell on what you can't do, and work to improve. Oooh ... now we have Life 101, I like this class.

That entire list really boils down to one's INTENT. What is your intent in your Dominance? (or submission) If your intent is clear to you, it will become crystal clear to a submissive, and anyone else around. What is my intent? Growth, for all. I want to see anyone who serves me to blossom and become as whole as we as a team can make them, and me. In this, we both grow. Yes, I said team, a D/s relationship is absolutely a partnership built on teamwork, not on hierarchy. Do we all have roles to play? Of course, but those roles are there to work towards the intent of each party. 

Some basic keys of effective (or good) Dominance are some simple rules we've known for a long time.

1) Treat others with respect

2) Earn respect

3) Let the punishment fit the crime

4) Allow yourself to have emotions, but don't react when you're overwhelmed by them

5) Have fun

6) You will never arrive at a Dom compound where you'll find your work is done, your work is NEVER done

7) You get what you give

8) Keep yourself in check

Kind of simple, huh? The hardest things are always simply put, because each of these points require constant attention and intention, the left and right hands of success. 

I wish I could personally say that I've arrived at the Dom compound and now I can grace everyone with my brilliance, but I'm just me, and I fuck up, I lose it, I lack many of the points that make up a "good Dom;" however, I won't stop working on it, working towards ensuring my relationships are fulfilling for me and my partners. I suppose that's the key, working as hard as you can at any given time (some days that will be be better than others).

Connection, chemistry, emotion

This conversation happened on Twitter the other day, which got me thinking about connection, chemistry and emotion. We all have felt them (I hope) and they're required for an emotionally intimate relationship to take place, but what happens when it's one-sided, or when it's faked, maliciously or not? Or, in the scenario presented by this gentleman, that both parties desire it, but it's not there?

I've tried willing myself to love someone the way they do me, I've even lied to myself and my partner with the premise "fake it 'til you make it," all to disastrous results. And then when I do fall in love it's with someone 3,000 miles away, so yeah, things don't always work out how we wish.

The greater question is, how do we deal with this situation when it arises? The easy answer is be honest, but if we're really being honest, sometimes that's difficult to do if that means hurting someone else. As cold-hearted as many believe me to be, I am not, and it is extremely difficult for me to knowingly hurt someone. Let me clarify, it USED to be difficult for me, but now I know that the small pain at the beginning is a kindness to them, as opposed to lying to them, leading them on and then destroying their hearts. In a previous blog I had written a post on the song "Nothing" by The Script, not because I was writing from the perspective of the singer, but from the woman who said nothing in return to his reclamation of his affections and love for her. Sometimes nothing is the best gift you can give someone, so they can move on with their lives, away from something that doesn't have the chemistry for both parties.I find that when I focus on what's the overall long-term good, I can manage to do what might be impossible otherwise. 

If you happen to be the person who has the feelings but they're not returned, you have options, either you can pine away in an unhealthy manner with a wish and a hope that something will change (not recommended), you can sever all ties, or you can choose to be their friend if you can handle it. Not easy, I get that, but life is not known for being easy street. 

Then there's the situation my sweet Nancy and I are in, the one for which she's gotten so much support because it's clearly so unhealthy. Sorry.... I'm being bitter. For those not in the know (because this is old news to she and I), she's in love with me, I am not in love with her, I have a boyfriend that I do love, she's my best friend and I am hers, and she's my sub. Complicated, huh? It hasn't been easy for either of us, but though the chemistry wasn't there for me, which dictated her kind of love, I do love her, very much, and didn't want her to be out of my life. I gave her every option and plenty of time to decide, and it was an incredibly painful time in both of our lives, and it still is painful from time to time. It gets easier as time goes on, and I still work to focus on the bigger picture so we can maintain healthy boundaries and a healthy relationship, which sometimes means I don't do certain things that she would like. It would have been wrong and overall more hurtful to both of us if I had lied and tried to fake the kind of romantic relationship she desired.

Connection, chemistry and emotion, any one of them can exist in each and every relationship we have. Think about it. We have to feel connection and emotion with our friends, or else we wouldn't want to be around them, care for them, root for them, boo their villains, it's just the emotion stops short of where chemistry takes us over the hump. These essences are all around us, all around those with whom we surround ourselves, if we're willing to look.

Blank Pages

There’s nothing quite so intimidating as a blank page, or a blank canvas, or even rock bottom. Why? Because every move made on these blank arenas define you, and you can be defined beautifully or as something unworthy to be crumbled up and unceremoniously tossed aside. So often people choose to leave it blank out of fear, worry that they won’t measure up to whatever they or others have decided is their worth.

Fear is a loathsome thing, it robs us of too much life, too much living. Are we to be slaves to fear for life? Is there a point when we look past the fear to see that it’s robbing us? Is that what wisdom is, wisdom from a life spattered with fear, or just life lived?

I look at the blank and unfinished pages of my life and wonder why I never finished them and wonder if it’s too late to finish them now. I’d like to think that there’s never a point when one can’t pick up the pieces and complete those blank things to redefine who we are, as long as that’s not the end.

One word at a time, one stroke of the brush, not to be afraid that the finished concept can’t compete with your expectations of yourself, or your hopes, it’s not a competition. (well unless you’re trying to get published then I suppose that yes, it is a competition, but let’s not focus on that now shall we?) That’s how I want to live this life, word by word, stroke by stroke, step by step, and appreciate each and every one of them for what they are and not what they should be. Acceptance and enjoyment are the keys to filling out a blank page.

Yes, these are words to me, reminders that life is too short to waste it in fear, and maybe they're words others need to hear too.