Relationships are hard, add D/s and it can complicate it further. Nancy & I talk about our personal experiences, trial, tribulations and successes.
The Love Bite – 02/10/2013 – Valentine’s Episode – D/s relationships
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sometimes I get it all wrong
It makes me laugh when people say they're scared of me. The concept truly is hilarious, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate, caring, empathetic, attentive and above all, reasonable. Every one of these things robs me of the ability to be a "true Dom." And I'm about two seconds away from saying fuck it all. Either I should just be a douchy dom, they seem to get all kinds of respect, or just hang up my Dom hat. I am just a girl after all, I'm not deserving of it anyway. Aren't I just a submissive who hasn't found the right Dom anyway? (as all women are) [demi-rant and MASSIVE sarcasm font]
Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself.
For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.
I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*
Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?
So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.
Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself.
For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.
I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*
Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?
So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Podcast - Abuse in D/s
In this episode we address the overlooked topic of abuse in D/s with special guest @CAkinklover, a domestic violence crisis counselor, survivor and active kinkster.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Podcast - A Bottom's Journey
Mistress and Nancy talk with Katie B, a former porn star and pro bottom about her experiences in the lifestyle, starting at age 16.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Does kinky attract the crazy, or bring the crazy out? in people?
With relationships come drama, but the question is, does the drama increase because we're kinky?
The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???
Before I probe this question (as a strap-on or cock would probe an ass), it's important to note why I'm asking this. Recently (which can span the last year), I, as well as several other people, have experienced some type of crazy within a kinky relationship, or usually at the end of it. When I say crazy, I mean bat-shit fucking crazy. Threatening lives, threatening to expose people, threatening friends. Bat. Shit. Fucking. Crazy. There is no other definition. There is also the more subtle crazy... the "what do you mean something's wrong? Everything's perfectly fine" when you know it's not - the delusional kind of crazy. That's a crazy where they don't know they're crazy, and I STRONGLY suggest you walk away VERY slowly from them, without turning your back.... just my well-informed opinion.
Here are some thoughts:
Crazies hide in kink
There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.
The Delusional
Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as
"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.
The Narcissist
Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:
Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.
The just plain crazy
You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.
Crazies are attracted to kink
This theory is based upon the concept that kink allows us to be freely connected to our inner desires, our inner animals, our inner savage, and thus free in a way most of society never will be. Us kinky fuckers have delved deeply into ourselves to discover how far our particular brand of depravity can go, and with this knowledge we embrace a freedom in what most of society would brand as "crazy." This freedom of self-acceptance is attractive, especially to people who can't accept their own crazy, or deal with it, or whatever, so they find themselves like moths to a flame, perhaps hoping to find acceptance.
Being on the edge alters us
Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me).
Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy
That sub with the mommy/daddy issues? The Dom/me with the control issues? Yeah.... if they don't keep their shit in check, they may very well turn crazy. Stumbling onto emotional landmines isn't atypical in this lifestyle, especially if you partake of humiliation and degradation, and if one of these landmines is discovered and not handled, that can lead to all sorts of bad things. One of the things we pride ourselves on in this community (yeah, I'm not being an egomaniac speaking for the whole community or anything... just go with it for a minute), is communication, communicating one's needs, wants, desires, limits, etc. So when the communication stops because of a past trauma, this can only result in negative outcomes.
We are hyper-aware
This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else.
All-in-all, I like to believe that most of us are sane people, and that most of us kinksters are a cut above others, since we have done our soul-searching, and instead of finding our bliss in crocheting, we've found it in caning people's asses while they're tied up.... mmmmm..... sorry... That doesn't mean that crazy ain't out there, but what it does mean is that we all must continue our due diligence in trying to weed out or limit the exposure to the crazies. Or decide that some types of crazy are a-okay. (Pick me! Pick me!)
The logical response (as was echoed by some brilliant tweeters) is that no, there is no greater number of crazies in kink than in real life. The challenge is that there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of crazy in kink, which flies in the face of the logic just stated. So is there more crazy???
Here are some thoughts:
Crazies hide in kink
There are two kinds of crazies - those that are aware they're crazy and those that are unaware. They are equally dangerous for differing reasons.
Mirriam-Webster defines delusional as
"1. a : the act of deluding : the state of being deluded
b : an abnormal mental state characterized by the occurrence of psychotic delusions
2
: a false belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that persists despite the facts and occurs in some psychotic states."
In all reality, these people are oblivious to what they are and therefore what they're doing to people and their surroundings. A person who is delusional can be so for various reasons, but the end result is the same: they're broken. To look at who and what they are and realize that it's so disjointed from that which they believe themselves to be would be too much for them to handle.
The Narcissist
Narcissism is really popular, have you noticed? The onslaught of self-propelled social media in the form of Twitter, blogs, Facebook, easily made websites has made self-promotion so easy that anyone can be a narcissistic. There has been a huge cultural shift towards narcissism in recent decades, and specifically to focus on "me." In fact, narcissists get their own disorder (of course they do)! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and it's all kinds of badass. Some of the symptoms are:
- Believing that you're better than others
- Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
- Exaggerating your achievements or talents
- Expecting constant praise and admiration
- Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
- Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
- Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
- Taking advantage of others
- Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
- Being jealous of others
- Believing that others are jealous of you
- Trouble keeping healthy relationships
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Being easily hurt and rejected
- Having a fragile self-esteem
- Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Um.... with this list I've not diagnosed every person on Twitter with NPD. Thanks interwebz! In reality, it much more complex than that. I know people with NPD and their behavior can seem very normal at times, their rationalization for it is really quite logical. The narcissist can hide quite easily in D/s in either role.
The just plain crazy
You know the kind, they're just crazy and they embrace it, often with some humor and wit, but you can see the crazy, ya just know it's there. Some people are flat out attracted to the crazy, which is their kinda crazy (I may or may not be one of these kinds of crazies - being attracted to crazies, not being crazy myself, well I may be, but not like the headline crazy as is supposed to be highlighted here, but now I've gone off on a random tangent.... back to the point, which I've already forgotten.) Somehow I think my point has been brilliantly highlighted at my own expense. Ah well, now you know what I mean.
Crazies are attracted to kink
Being on the edge alters us
Is it possible that because we are constantly pushing the envelope, pushing ourselves in our own endeavors, that it somehow alters how our mind processes information? There's already evidence that chronic stress impacts your brain's functionality, and not to say that being kinky is stressful, but it does necessitate a certain amount of heightened brain activity that stress and pressure can induce. (it's not a perfect fit, but I'm not a doctor folks) The overall point is, because we operate in more intense situations, with greater stakes, like in edge-play for example, that may very well have an impact on the way we each can process information, and thus result in altered behavior, which may be categorized as crazy (by me).
Folks with unresolved issues can turn crazy
We are hyper-aware
This point was brought up by @Winsome_Gypsy (quite brilliantly might I add) that the kinky community is hyper aware of crazy behavior and therefore crazies are more obvious. This makes sense. They're brought into sharp focus and their crazy behavior isn't tolerated by many within the community. This answer is the most comforting because it gels with the logic (and apparently statistical data) that there are no more crazies in kink than anyplace else.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Podcast - Consent - 2/15/12
Consent is one of the biggest part of the BDSM lifestyle. Mistress & Nancy discuss what consent is and is not.
Podcast - A Submissive's Journey - 2/20/12
Novice Nancy & special guest Iron Kitty discuss their journeys from being fresh meat in the lifestyle to becoming submissives, and how their journey continues.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Podcast - Life vs. Lifestyle
Nancy and I get raw and honest about balancing our D/s and vanilla lives. Our openness will surprise you and may provide insight into how you can balance life and lifestyle in your own situation.
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