Sometimes I get it all wrong

It makes me laugh when people say they're scared of me. The concept truly is hilarious, I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm compassionate, caring, empathetic, attentive and above all, reasonable. Every one of these things robs me of the ability to be a "true Dom." And I'm about two seconds away from saying fuck it all. Either I should just be a douchy dom, they seem to get all kinds of respect, or just hang up my Dom hat. I am just a girl after all, I'm not deserving of it anyway. Aren't I just a submissive who hasn't found the right Dom anyway? (as all women are) [demi-rant and MASSIVE sarcasm font]

Sometimes I get it all wrong, I do all the wrong things, and make all the wrong moves. Yes, I fuck up, and when I do, I like to fuck up big (there's no point in being half-assed about a fuck up). My propensity to be compassionate often drives me to do it all wrong, there's no one to blame but myself. 

For example, I poo poo'd Doms who had to capitalize "Me" or "Her" or "Him," and had their submissives lower case "i." All I could think was what assholes were they to demolish one of the basic tenants of English grammar for their own ego. How naive of me. Now I understand it, and it has nothing to do with a Dominant's vanity, it has to do with maintaining the balance in the relationship with a submissive. This was lost on me, assuming that balance was maintained by daily or ritualized contact. Not being a submissive, I don't know how their minds work, though I do try, so I couldn't see that they need this reaffirmation. NEED it. As foreign of a concept as this is to me, I need to accept it for the well-being of all involved. So chalk that one up as a tick in my failure column.

I also failed to understand that though some choose to submit to me, that doesn't mean they don't need a not so friendly reminder of this, often. The concept that one would be forced in any way to submit to me is appalling; however, that doesn't mean that they don't need forcible reminders of their role and responsibilities. It's another component of reaffirmation that I missed. *chalks another tick in failure column*

Sometimes as a Dominant it feels as though I'm working terribly hard, rolling that rock up the hill a la Sisyphus, and the submissive is just sitting there watching and waiting for their turn to receive some magnanimous attention. About halfway up the hill I think "y'know, some help would be nice," and where I fail is when I think that it's not their job to help. HELL YES IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB. A relationship, ANY relationship requires both parties to PARTICIPATE, if it's just one, then fuck it, that's not a relationship, that's mental and emotional masturbation, and really that's what twitter is for. Here I was thinking that I'm supposed to do all the heavy lifting, such a falsity I told myself, and allowed myself to not only believe but live. No, boys and girls, that's not the right path. To believe that because it's hard it's right is fooling yourself, not to mention robbing you of what happiness should be. Life is hard efuckingnough without adding difficulties. Let's not do that, k?

So yes, getting it wrong sucks, but you know what's worse? Not realizing you've fucked up. Look, I'm not about to become someone's submissive because I made a mistake, I may be on some figurative rant about dropping it all, but I won't. It would be like giving up sex, or food, sure you can do it for a while, but it's not pleasant nor can you survive for long without either. (Okay, you can SURVIVE longer without sex, but it's just not fun). I suppose the best thing is learning and growing, evolving and becoming better. So yeah, I get it wrong, but I'll be goddamned (which I would be if I believed in God) if I'm going to stay stagnant in that or anything.

The shadow that lingers

There is a shadow that clings to some whether you see it or not, sometimes it appears in an echo, an expression on one's face or more plainly in words that we say. This shadow is the mistakes we carry with us, for good or bad. Too often the montage of mistakes flies at me at a speed too rapid to combat, then I feel my shoulders slump, feel a greater sense of defeat, and struggle with each subsequent step I'm about to take. 

Can I confess something? I'm scared to forgive myself and say goodbye to the shadow, afraid that if I do I'm doomed to repeat my errors, or lose any humility they may have taught me. It's like a perverse rendition of Dorian Grey, expect it's more like my portrait looks like Quasimodo with a hump on my back packed with all the mistakes I've ever made and getting bigger each day. It's not debilitating, in a way it's comforting. It's a comfort to look at that hump, as big as it is, and recognize for a moment what I'm constantly working not to be. 

I'm sure there's a better way, but as always fear prevents me from taking that path, and I don't mean that mild fear of performing, or moving to a different country, I mean that fear that you'll lose who and what you are. That's a fear that stops a person cold. No, that's a fear that stops me cold. It's taken me 40 years to be proud of who and what I am, what I've endured, who I love, who I help, and even who I loathe, to lose something that's taken so long to acquire terrifies me. 

I don't know if I'll ever find the courage to shed this hump, this shadow and reminder of all that has formed me, but until I do (if ever) I'll look back on it to remind me of my journey and to not forget the hard-driven path.